


Vegetable Sith Tales

by handschuhmaus



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Veggie Tales
Genre: Characters Writing Fanfiction, Crack, Gean is a leaf, Gen, Sidious's are perfectly edible though, Tyranus may be sticky when initially dehusked, Vegetables, adults being overly analytical, adults being overly critical of child's art, analyze this Mitth'raw'nuruodo, do not eat Tenebrous's leaf, it revels in it, slight plant innuendo, slightly fluffy, slightly obscure vegetables, sort of cute, this fic knows exactly how preposterous it is, vegetable/fruit distinction pedantry, very cracky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-16 04:46:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2256378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Not that I'm objecting, per se, to being portrayed as a cardoon..."</p>
<p>Maul's viewing of children's holovids leads to some interesting artwork.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vegetable Sith Tales

**Author's Note:**

> ...this is presented without explanation. It is utter unabashed crack.

"Not that I'm objecting, per se, to being portrayed as a cardoon, but I am not entirely sure it's appropriate for we Sith to be green vegetables," Plagueis complained, surveying the artwork and handwritten story the small Zabrak had brought in.

"A tomatillo isn't even a vegetable. I thought these were supposed to be vegetables. It's a fruit," Tyranus said puzzledly. He was not really acquainted with the children's holoseries to entirely understand.

"Wouldn't a tomato be more appropriate? They're _red_ , at least," the Muun mused.

"They're also _not_ a vegetable; they're a fruit," Tyranus insisted irritably.

Sidious really was unsure how he was going to deal with all this, but he nevertheless pointed out, "They come in green as well, you know, and they are _used_ like a vegetable." Leaving his erstwhile master and their associate to digest this, he turned to his small ward and asked in a fairly gentle voice, "Maul, child, _why_ am I purple?"

Plagueis spluttered, "Shouldn't you be asking why you're cauliflower in the first place? And how did it come to my asking you that? Why am I even discussing the prospect of my being portrayed as a cardoon?"

If Maul's complexion had permitted it, if he had been human, he would have colored shamefacedly at this, but he only ducked his head shyly. Palpatine sighed, and, noticing that the rather splendid drawing of a bicolored breakfast radish was labled Exar Kun, scanned the text for a mention of the long ago Sith.

"Is there any prospect of my getting an answer if I should inquire whether there is any conceivable reason for Rugess Nome to be a stalk of rhubarb?" Dooku asked.

Plagueis remained scornfully silent for a minute before finally deigning to protest, "And that's functionally a fruit!"

There was an uncomfortable silence broken only by Sideous snorting softly at the notion of a radish taking over a planet--or was it a moon?--whose inhabitants had been artistically rendered as raspberries, until Tyranus, who had still been scanning the story and drawing, remarked, "I do like Bane being an artichoke, though. A lot of prickly posturing, a nasty choke, and not much palatable substance."

"Well, I--!" Damask exclaimed, even as he sent an order to a serving droid with his padd. " _Jedi,_ " he pronounced disdainfully. "And _what_ is Revan supposed to be?"

"A sweet potato," Maul answered quietly.

"And Malak? And I could swear Gravid did _not_ have near so many heads."

"That's a squash, I believe a variety called a delicata," Tyranus identified, glaring half-heartedly at Plagueis.

"Gravid is a _stalk_ of brussels sprouts," said Palpatine, and immediately looked up at the ceiling, in astonishment at having ever said that.

" _Red_ ones, I see. But why is Zannah edamame?--an edamame? Is that supposed to be feminine?" Plagueis critiqued.

The other Sith ignored his question. Sidious, looking back down and seeing the end of the story and then consulting the corresponding illustration of a fava bean pod lying on top of a purple cauliflower floret flanked by a partially husked tomatillo and a silvery-grey-leaved cardoon stalk, asked his own question: "Does this mean you like fava beans? And why _am_ I a cauliflower?"

"Yes, Master," Maul responded, swallowing hard. "And--" having been admonished to learn to speak properly, he paused and began again. "Purple cauliflower is my favorite so I thought it was the best I could give to you."

Plagueis scoffed rather than express any unworthy sentiment about how adorable it might be, but he cut off his own disdain as he spotted the leafy form of Darth Gean as kale on the edge of the page. "I know what that Twi'lek's making--flower sprouts!" he gloated.

Dooku, slightly awkwardly, addressed the politician instead of his ward. "Does he _like_ tomatillos?"

**Author's Note:**

> ...well, I could probably explain that yes, brussels sprouts do come in a red variety, and Plagueis is referring to a new brassica that's a hybrid of kale and brussels sprouts. (and thus he seems to be implying that uh, Gean was involved with Gravid...but "gravid" as I've discussed elsewhere, actually means pregnant, so it may in part be a pun on that.)
> 
> If sufficiently persuaded, I might consider attempting to render Maul's story & art, but I cannot say much for my drawing skills.


End file.
